I woke up this morning in Chicago and remembered that I am an hour behind my normal schedule here, and kind of freaked out. I was busy yesterday and last night and didn’t have time to prep a post for today. And I woke up completely exhausted to boot. Between finishing my book, other random shoots and projects, keeping up with client work, writing this blog, taking care of the dogs, Christmas preparation craziness and attempting to maintain friendships and a marriage I have to admit, I am burned out. In Blogland I feel like everyone seems to do everything perfectly in perfect outfits with hair and makeup done to Pinterest perfection, but my truth right now is this: I feel and look like hell because I’m so freaking tired.
Really, really tired.
I love being busy and I thrive under the high pressure environment I create for myself, but I’ve gotten to the point where I have lost the understanding and ability to truly relax and shut off. And that isn’t good. I cannot remember for the life of me a day in the past 7 years where I just laid on the couch and read a book. Even when I try to sit down and watch a movie with my husband, I find myself get anxious if I don’t check my email and typically end up turning on my computer to start working again. I feel like “down time” is “wasted time” and I know that’s not healthy. The constant feelings of guilt are something I live with daily. I ask myself to do more, more, more and when I don’t get an absurd amount of things done I berate myself for not “living up to my potential”. I really need to tell that little perfectionist voice in my head to give it a f*cking REST.
On top of the work pressure I put on myself, I pile on the stress and guilt of not being able to get pregnant as of yet. And I know that these things are probably linked- stress is no good for babymaking. All aspects of it! And I approach it like I do my work with tons of research and action plans and to do lists. I’m doing all the right things technically, good doctors, acupuncture, eating right but the key for me, I think, is going to me learning to give myself a break. About everything- about work, pregnancy, wanting to be the perfect, wife, daughter, sister, friend, blogger, writer, dog mom, etc. etc…. I can’t help but see this one thing I cannot manage to do as a failure, and I DO NOT deal well with failure. No, sir.
So this comes a bit early, but I am determined to take a massive chill pill this year as my resolution. To give myself more breaks and attempt to alleviate the guilt and pressure just a little. To make time to go to yoga or take an afternoon to just drive somewhere new or just take a walk without my damn phone. Or maybe even sit on the couch and DO NOTHING, which is such a foreign concept to me. This will not make me lazy, but rather a more productive creative force. The brain needs a rest in order to be at it’s best, and so does the body. Instead of operating in constant panic mode, I want to do things slower, more deliberately and with more depth. This doesn’t mean I’ll do less, in fact I already have tons of ideas for more projects, books and such for this year, but I want to enjoy the process more. I need to remember that not everything has to be done RIGHT! THIS! MINUTE! I need to say no more but also yes more, and be able to discern what’s truly important from what’s something I’m just doing so I can say I’m doing MORE.
I need to breathe. I need to reboot.
How about you?